Shatter rattle panicked
Posh boots full of wet
leather gloves cunning hats won't save me now
bootless I've fallen into enemy territory*
I've gone ass-over-teacups
(Those were my grandmother's teacups!)
into the drink.
This is not my beautiful house,
This is not my beautiful life*
I'm over seas,
portless storming,
upperclass refugee
with furniture that won't fit in the hold
and cursing captains all round.
Anna had a lot of courage.*
My soul spells semaphores
at landmasses
clutching at metaphors
flotsam jetsam bits and bobs
with what dignity's left
surface paddling
trying for calm unruffled
I've got all the chances of a mallard
flagging down a passing dreadnought
My home's been stolen
all my clever storage solutions
gone to naught -
I'm filing wet papers.
I'm all at sea
This wind's run away with me.
* "Birthday" by M.T. Buckley
*"Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads
* "The King and I"
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Bitter cold
Hugging sheds and fences
as though it had something to fear
the snow hides ice
all innocence
til we take an incautious step
and next find ourselves
on the ground
swearing and checking our limbs
for sprains.
as though it had something to fear
the snow hides ice
all innocence
til we take an incautious step
and next find ourselves
on the ground
swearing and checking our limbs
for sprains.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Seasick
I booked a yacht and got
a dinghy. The weather's been frightful.
Who planned this cruise and forgot the life-boats?
I packed carefully. Who checked the manifest?
When we reach land, heads will roll.
a dinghy. The weather's been frightful.
Who planned this cruise and forgot the life-boats?
I packed carefully. Who checked the manifest?
When we reach land, heads will roll.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Compound living
I'm already thinking about our next move.
John's company is multi-national, and it's likely that after a few years here he'll get moved somewhere else. Maybe Houston, maybe Oslo. Or maybe Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Or Luanda, Angola.
If it's Angola... well, let me start at the beginning.
My husband works for a big multi-national company with offices all over the place. Some of the places are sufficiently poor and/or dangerous that there are company compounds where the employees and their families live. The compounds are safe - there's a fence, a gate, and a guard or two. You are issued a house and a car. You have a driver to take you out and a housekeeper and perhaps a cook as well. You don't have to drink the water; safe water will be delivered. Your medical, dental and vision care are provided by competent Western personnel. Schooling and care for children is provided. You never have to worry about anything; all of your (mid-to-upper-class Western) expectations are anticipated and met. Otherwise they could never get people to willingly bring their families there. *
The thing is, apparently it's difficult to get fresh food there. I don't know the details of why, but apparently Luanda is among one of the most expensive places to live in the world. That's right. It's as expensive as New York City or a European capital. So as a compound-dweller, you are likely to pay $750-1000 a WEEK on groceries; you can get fresh produce, but it must be flown in from Portugal or even farther-flung places, and so the price is phenomenal.
Meanwhile, beyond your walls and your gates are the people of Angola. They live on $1-2 dollars a day. I don't know what they eat. Apparently there is some kind of subsistence diet based upon a coconut-meal substance.
So of course you want to do something about it. It's not right to be living a lifestyle that out-of-step with your surroundings. The urge to chuck a loaf of bread over the wall - or better yet some fruit or a nice salad - is powerful.
Here's a couple of home-truths, though:
1. You can't afford to. That fresh food is for your family, who you want to feed properly, and it's taking an awful lot of your money just to feed them. So what you have to offer, despite the fact that you live like a king, is not that much.
2. If you do engage in free-lance charity, you set yourself up to experience a whole heapin' bunch of unintended consequences.
Some side-stories might help:
What then shall we do?**
Subverting an unjust system is all fine and good in theory - but it's a little harder in practice when the gap is so very, very large, and the landscape unfamiliar. Who do you share your cloak with? Do you follow every impulse of compassion, or do you try to be as wise as a serpent (Matt 10:16)?
I don't have to make that decision now. Once I figure out what our income and budget are here, we can re-establish our giving to charities. And that makes it all better - until you peek over the wall and see that just on the other side, there's still the poor, and they will always be with us, and there's a gulf between us I may never know how to cross, even with the best of intentions.
* http://globalvoicesonline.org/2009/11/09/angola-the-high-cost-of-living-in-luanda/
** Luke 3:10 ff and also the title of a book by Leo Tolstoy (http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/whatthenmustwedo.pdf)
John's company is multi-national, and it's likely that after a few years here he'll get moved somewhere else. Maybe Houston, maybe Oslo. Or maybe Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Or Luanda, Angola.
If it's Angola... well, let me start at the beginning.
My husband works for a big multi-national company with offices all over the place. Some of the places are sufficiently poor and/or dangerous that there are company compounds where the employees and their families live. The compounds are safe - there's a fence, a gate, and a guard or two. You are issued a house and a car. You have a driver to take you out and a housekeeper and perhaps a cook as well. You don't have to drink the water; safe water will be delivered. Your medical, dental and vision care are provided by competent Western personnel. Schooling and care for children is provided. You never have to worry about anything; all of your (mid-to-upper-class Western) expectations are anticipated and met. Otherwise they could never get people to willingly bring their families there. *
The thing is, apparently it's difficult to get fresh food there. I don't know the details of why, but apparently Luanda is among one of the most expensive places to live in the world. That's right. It's as expensive as New York City or a European capital. So as a compound-dweller, you are likely to pay $750-1000 a WEEK on groceries; you can get fresh produce, but it must be flown in from Portugal or even farther-flung places, and so the price is phenomenal.
Meanwhile, beyond your walls and your gates are the people of Angola. They live on $1-2 dollars a day. I don't know what they eat. Apparently there is some kind of subsistence diet based upon a coconut-meal substance.
So of course you want to do something about it. It's not right to be living a lifestyle that out-of-step with your surroundings. The urge to chuck a loaf of bread over the wall - or better yet some fruit or a nice salad - is powerful.
Here's a couple of home-truths, though:
1. You can't afford to. That fresh food is for your family, who you want to feed properly, and it's taking an awful lot of your money just to feed them. So what you have to offer, despite the fact that you live like a king, is not that much.
2. If you do engage in free-lance charity, you set yourself up to experience a whole heapin' bunch of unintended consequences.
Some side-stories might help:
A 'wealthy' western man in a poor country once noticed a little girl who always had a smile on her face. Her delightful, laughing disposition made him so happy that he wanted to do something for her. So he bought her some pretty silver bracelets. Soon after that, the girl was killed and her bracelets stolen. The man paid for her funeral. It was all he could do.
A family moved to India, and there they encountered a family with a very ill child. Moved by compassion, they offered to pay for the hospital care the child needed, and soon the child was healthy again. (It probably was dehydrated due to a water-borne illness, and might well have died without their help.) They were very glad. But soon after that, the father of the child came and told them that his brother had a sick baby too. Could they do the same thing again? And then there was another relative... The Indian father began to get agitated; he was yelling and threatening. The compound guard saw the commotion and threw the man out. They never heard from him again.
When I visited India, I was told to be particularly wary of beggars. So I stood late at night in the Calcutta train station, circled with my travel-companions around our suitcases, and turned our backs on the wheedling children who held out their hands to us. We were supposed to take comfort in the fact that if we gave them money, they would only have to turn it over to their 'handlers.' The gestures the children made to indicate their hunger were only a ruse to arouse our sympathy. American fashion models would have envied these children's lean limbs.
What then shall we do?**
Subverting an unjust system is all fine and good in theory - but it's a little harder in practice when the gap is so very, very large, and the landscape unfamiliar. Who do you share your cloak with? Do you follow every impulse of compassion, or do you try to be as wise as a serpent (Matt 10:16)?
I don't have to make that decision now. Once I figure out what our income and budget are here, we can re-establish our giving to charities. And that makes it all better - until you peek over the wall and see that just on the other side, there's still the poor, and they will always be with us, and there's a gulf between us I may never know how to cross, even with the best of intentions.
* http://globalvoicesonline.org/2009/11/09/angola-the-high-cost-of-living-in-luanda/
** Luke 3:10 ff and also the title of a book by Leo Tolstoy (http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/whatthenmustwedo.pdf)
Monday, August 30, 2010
No such thing as adrift
We've visited five towns now, trying to find the right place to settle. I don't like making decisions based upon such snap impressions. Crawley is diverse, but the teenagers slope around like packs of wolves. Horsham is too good to be true - there's something Stepford-like about it. Redhill and Reigate are London suburbs with only a couple of miles between them, but with subtly different characters.
Walking around Reigate this evening we explored the ancient castle-mound, which is now a park/garden surrounded by flowers and shrubberies. The only other people in the park was a young dad and his daughter. On an impulse, John struck up a conversation. The young dad was very helpful, but his daughter, who was only 3, was not too keen to stand around watching adults talk.
We walked around for another hour, and then decided to get dinner. Options were discussed, a place was chosen, but was a pub and so had an age limit. Off to somewhere else...
and then we stumbled across our dad-and-tot pair again, outside a restaurant. The next step was obvious: invite dad-and-tot to join us. And so we did.
Turns out Dad is a Jamaican by birth, working for a Japanese investment bank in London. He had lived in Reigate in the past, then in London proper for a while, and now had returned to Reigate. His charming daughter kept James and David entertained while we asked Darryl all sorts of nuts-and-bolts questions about banks and cell phones and school systems and so on. Moving overseas is a snarl where these things are concerned: you can't get a cell phone sent to you until you have a residential address, but you can't choose a residential address until you know about schools and such, and you can't establish a bank account until you have a residence either, so you can't get a credit card to bill your cell phone to...
By the end of the time in the restaurant we had Darryl's name, phone number, and e-mail, as well as an invitation to get in touch with him with more questions. At a time like this, that sort of kindness and helpfulness means an awful lot.
I read on an expatriat blog ("She's Not From Yorkshire") that it takes 6 months to make real friends here. I think that we might very well find ways to do it in less time than that - by God's grace.
Walking around Reigate this evening we explored the ancient castle-mound, which is now a park/garden surrounded by flowers and shrubberies. The only other people in the park was a young dad and his daughter. On an impulse, John struck up a conversation. The young dad was very helpful, but his daughter, who was only 3, was not too keen to stand around watching adults talk.
We walked around for another hour, and then decided to get dinner. Options were discussed, a place was chosen, but was a pub and so had an age limit. Off to somewhere else...
and then we stumbled across our dad-and-tot pair again, outside a restaurant. The next step was obvious: invite dad-and-tot to join us. And so we did.
Turns out Dad is a Jamaican by birth, working for a Japanese investment bank in London. He had lived in Reigate in the past, then in London proper for a while, and now had returned to Reigate. His charming daughter kept James and David entertained while we asked Darryl all sorts of nuts-and-bolts questions about banks and cell phones and school systems and so on. Moving overseas is a snarl where these things are concerned: you can't get a cell phone sent to you until you have a residential address, but you can't choose a residential address until you know about schools and such, and you can't establish a bank account until you have a residence either, so you can't get a credit card to bill your cell phone to...
By the end of the time in the restaurant we had Darryl's name, phone number, and e-mail, as well as an invitation to get in touch with him with more questions. At a time like this, that sort of kindness and helpfulness means an awful lot.
I read on an expatriat blog ("She's Not From Yorkshire") that it takes 6 months to make real friends here. I think that we might very well find ways to do it in less time than that - by God's grace.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Bird in hand
Today I sold my car to two young Muslim men from Turkey. They are graduate students in two different fields, and one of them needed a good car. The other knows cars, and he knew that my Toyota Highlander was a very good choice.
The older of the two – the one who knows cars – is going home to Turkey in three weeks. He has finished his Ph.D., for which I congratulated him. We chatted more, and I learned more. I learned that his studies here had been interrupted by a medical emergency at home with one of his children. His younger child, about a year and a half old, had developed serious problems with his brain. The baby has microcephaly – his brain has not grown, and it never will. He is stuck at the 6-month stage of development. He will never be able to feed himself or walk or talk. They have seen many doctors in Istanbul and tried months of therapy; nothing really helps. The child will likely live a normal span, but will never be able to care for himself.
I have known other children with conditions like this. When I was a teenager I worked for several summers as a Candy-Striper – a young volunteer – in a State pediatric hospital in my home town. My favorite part of the job was caring for infants. The nurses were so busy that they could not afford the time to do more than minimal care. I had the luxury of time to rock the babies, dawdle over their baths and diaper changes, play with their toes and tickle their tummies. I got to see some of their first smiles and help them through the throes of formula changes.
One baby in particular captured my heart. Her name was Mary Ruth L. – only a few letters different from mine. She had been born with serious digestive problems, and her family was too poor to pay for the care she needed. She had essentially been abandoned and was a ward of the state. Many of the babies at the hospital were in this legal limbo.
But this little girl was lucky. Not only was she getting competent medical care, but she also had a nurse who had fallen in love with her. That nurse was married and longed for children, but was finding herself unable to conceive. Over the months that Mary Ruth lived in the hospital, the nurse grew to love her devotedly. She brought in stuffed animals and recordings of music for the baby to enjoy. When I gave Mary Ruth her bath or rocked her, I would play the tapes that the nurse had brought. One in particular became my favorite: “The Simon Sisters Sing for Children.” Carly Simon and her sister Lucy had made the recording when they were in their twenties – a dozen or so classic charming poems by Robert Lewis Stephenson, William Blake, and Edward Lear, sung in an exotic harmony and with simple instrumentation. My favorite was, “The Lamb” by William Blake.
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
The older of the two – the one who knows cars – is going home to Turkey in three weeks. He has finished his Ph.D., for which I congratulated him. We chatted more, and I learned more. I learned that his studies here had been interrupted by a medical emergency at home with one of his children. His younger child, about a year and a half old, had developed serious problems with his brain. The baby has microcephaly – his brain has not grown, and it never will. He is stuck at the 6-month stage of development. He will never be able to feed himself or walk or talk. They have seen many doctors in Istanbul and tried months of therapy; nothing really helps. The child will likely live a normal span, but will never be able to care for himself.
I have known other children with conditions like this. When I was a teenager I worked for several summers as a Candy-Striper – a young volunteer – in a State pediatric hospital in my home town. My favorite part of the job was caring for infants. The nurses were so busy that they could not afford the time to do more than minimal care. I had the luxury of time to rock the babies, dawdle over their baths and diaper changes, play with their toes and tickle their tummies. I got to see some of their first smiles and help them through the throes of formula changes.
One baby in particular captured my heart. Her name was Mary Ruth L. – only a few letters different from mine. She had been born with serious digestive problems, and her family was too poor to pay for the care she needed. She had essentially been abandoned and was a ward of the state. Many of the babies at the hospital were in this legal limbo.
But this little girl was lucky. Not only was she getting competent medical care, but she also had a nurse who had fallen in love with her. That nurse was married and longed for children, but was finding herself unable to conceive. Over the months that Mary Ruth lived in the hospital, the nurse grew to love her devotedly. She brought in stuffed animals and recordings of music for the baby to enjoy. When I gave Mary Ruth her bath or rocked her, I would play the tapes that the nurse had brought. One in particular became my favorite: “The Simon Sisters Sing for Children.” Carly Simon and her sister Lucy had made the recording when they were in their twenties – a dozen or so classic charming poems by Robert Lewis Stephenson, William Blake, and Edward Lear, sung in an exotic harmony and with simple instrumentation. My favorite was, “The Lamb” by William Blake.
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life, & bid thee feed
by the stream & o'er the mead;
gave thee clothing of delight;
softest clothing, wooly, bright;
gave thee such a tender voice
making all the vales rejoice?
Little lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Little lamb, I'll tell thee,
Little lamb, I'll tell thee:
He is called by thy name,
for he calls himself a Lamb.
He is meek & he is mild;
He became a little child.
I a child, & thou a lamb,
we are called by his name:
Little lamb, God bless thee!
Little lamb, God bless thee!
The nurse who loved Mary Ruth lived near me, as it turned out, and so I kept in a little contact with her. I went over to her house one day and borrowed the LP so that I could make a cassette recording of it. I found out later that the nurse had adopted Mary Ruth, and that she was doing well. And I also found out that after adopting Mary Ruth the nurse and her husband were able to conceive and have a child of their own.
I kept that cassette all these years. I played it for my children when they were little. And somehow that cassette had found its way into the glove compartment of the Highlander. We had cleaned nearly everything else out of the car, but as I was preparing to hand the car keys over, I remembered the cassette.
I told the man about my work in the hospital, and about Mary Ruth. I gave him the cassette. I also had him write down his name and that of his wife and sons. He showed me their photos. I told him I would keep them in my prayers.
These men were Muslim. In fact, they were observant Muslims – they would not even drink the free coffee at the bank because it is the season of Ramadan. Yet they received my offer of prayers with thanks, though they knew I was Christian. And we talked of blessings – of how God sees to the little things and the big things: the sale of a car and the life of a family, an old cassette and a chance meeting of people.
I don’t know what this little story means. I am very, very grateful, though, to have lived it.
I kept that cassette all these years. I played it for my children when they were little. And somehow that cassette had found its way into the glove compartment of the Highlander. We had cleaned nearly everything else out of the car, but as I was preparing to hand the car keys over, I remembered the cassette.
I told the man about my work in the hospital, and about Mary Ruth. I gave him the cassette. I also had him write down his name and that of his wife and sons. He showed me their photos. I told him I would keep them in my prayers.
These men were Muslim. In fact, they were observant Muslims – they would not even drink the free coffee at the bank because it is the season of Ramadan. Yet they received my offer of prayers with thanks, though they knew I was Christian. And we talked of blessings – of how God sees to the little things and the big things: the sale of a car and the life of a family, an old cassette and a chance meeting of people.
I don’t know what this little story means. I am very, very grateful, though, to have lived it.
----------------------------------------------------------
Something else I don’t know is the meaning of this – and yet I know it is true, and I know that it is connected with today’s story:
Blessings are as delicate as birds.
You cannot close your hand around them. You must hold them very gently. If you try to keep them, you will injure them. You may even kill them, and then they are no use to you or anyone else.
Abraham, the mutual father of Jews, Christians, and Muslims, was ‘blessed to be a blessing' (Gen 12: 1-3). We are all the products of his blessedness, and we, like him, are blessed to be blessings.
We cannot grasp and grab our blessedness. We must hold onto the blessings of our God lightly and let them flow through our fingers, falling upon whoever comes into our lives. If a child of another faith comes our way, we pass on our blessings to them – for they are not OUR blessings, but the blessings of our God, and their entire purpose is to be passed from blessed hand to blessed hand.
Something else I don’t know is the meaning of this – and yet I know it is true, and I know that it is connected with today’s story:
Blessings are as delicate as birds.
You cannot close your hand around them. You must hold them very gently. If you try to keep them, you will injure them. You may even kill them, and then they are no use to you or anyone else.
Abraham, the mutual father of Jews, Christians, and Muslims, was ‘blessed to be a blessing' (Gen 12: 1-3). We are all the products of his blessedness, and we, like him, are blessed to be blessings.
We cannot grasp and grab our blessedness. We must hold onto the blessings of our God lightly and let them flow through our fingers, falling upon whoever comes into our lives. If a child of another faith comes our way, we pass on our blessings to them – for they are not OUR blessings, but the blessings of our God, and their entire purpose is to be passed from blessed hand to blessed hand.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Spoofing my way to better mental health
This whole moving thing is making me Uber-cranky, which in turn makes me laugh at myself. Here's a typical result of those mental gymnastics.
She's Back! MRS. CRANKY-PANTS! Now, more irritated than ever!
Full of unreasonable demands, snap judgements, and incisive criticisms, Mrs. Cranky-pants is ready to help you evaluate your performance of specific tasks. At no extra charge, she will also pass judgment on your intelligence and general worth. Since Mrs. Cranky-pants is a master of subtlety, this information will be conveyed to you using eye-brow gestures, uncomfortable stares, huffs of breath, louder-than-necessary footsteps, and other non-verbal but perfectly clear signals. You will be able to read her mind and know what she wants (unless you are a complete idiot).
Mrs. Cranky-pants will be glad to help rid you of your tendency to mumble, use non-specific language, ask questions more than once, or seek help for anything short of life-threatening injuries. If you have trouble judging personal space, she will create clarity with a single rebuff.
Call now to inconvenience Mrs. Cranky-pants: 1800 BUZZOFF. That's 1800 UGOAWAY. Figure it out.
Monday, August 16, 2010
By way of explanation
In church yesterday I shared one of my favorite quotes:
"Pray for me, as I will for thee,
that we may merrily meet in heaven."
Lovely thought - I've held it dear since I found it, written on a little card, in a cathedral in England. That was about 22 years ago, when I was a college student. I spent 6 weeks in England and Scotland, and besides studying English Literature I also studied the question of whether to spend the rest of my life with John. (Good choice, that.)
So I just looked up Sir Thomas More, the person who wrote that very nice sentiment I read in church -
and I discover that he was a rather violent opponent of the Reformation and no friend at all of Martin Luther.
AWKWARD.
Well, the walls of the church didn't come crashing down when I read Sir Thomas' words aloud. Maybe he and Martin have already patched things up on the other side and are having a big laugh at my temporal faux pas.
"Pray for me, as I will for thee,
that we may merrily meet in heaven."
Lovely thought - I've held it dear since I found it, written on a little card, in a cathedral in England. That was about 22 years ago, when I was a college student. I spent 6 weeks in England and Scotland, and besides studying English Literature I also studied the question of whether to spend the rest of my life with John. (Good choice, that.)
So I just looked up Sir Thomas More, the person who wrote that very nice sentiment I read in church -
and I discover that he was a rather violent opponent of the Reformation and no friend at all of Martin Luther.
AWKWARD.
Well, the walls of the church didn't come crashing down when I read Sir Thomas' words aloud. Maybe he and Martin have already patched things up on the other side and are having a big laugh at my temporal faux pas.
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